TORN_A Rockstar Romance Read online

  I reached up and slid my fingers through his hair. In all of these desperate clingings, I hadn't even touched it until now, and it was far softer than I was expecting. "Last time, right?" I whispered, my voice catching. "It's the last time, and surprise, it's my first time too ."

  His laugh started low, like it was coming from some deep place he didn't access very often. His face, his gorgeous, mysterious face, cracked open into a smile that was so beautiful I might have fallen in love with him for a half a second. "Fuck, girl," he drawled, pulling back. He traced his thumb around my nipple, sending little shivering sparks through my body. "Dammit ."

  "What?" The thing he was doing to my tit felt amazing but not as amazing as having him half inside of me. "Why did you stop ?"

  He glanced at me and then shook his head. I felt that same maddening anger, like he was hiding something from me. Like there was more going on than he wanted to let me share, and that only made me more certain that I needed to fuck him, if only to get inside his head the way he was inside mine. "Tallula," he sighed again, letting his fingers slide down to brush against the inside of my thigh. "If I'm going to be your first, I don't want it down in the dirt, hiding from your family like this. Shit, I'm not some kind of asshole going and taking some girl's virginity ...."

  I sat up and crossed my arm around my chest with one hand while with the other I swatted his hands away from my leg. What he was doing felt too good and it made it impossible to yell at him properly. "Excuse me," I huffed. "Asshole. You're not taking it. I'm not some delicate little English lass whose hand you have to win. Fuck, Hudson, I want to fuck you and I'm only a virgin because I've never actually wanted to fuck anyone before, so.." I faltered, as his slow grin grew wolfish .

  He leaned in closer. "So...fuck you ?"

  I nodded. There was no point in holding on to my dignity because I'd never had any in the first place. Not when it came to him. "Yeah. Fuck me and make me come again. Nobody has ever done that either ."

  He laughed and looked quite pleased with himself. "Well shit girl, if I'm gonna be your first time." He pressed his hand between my legs and bend his blond head until his warm mouth covered my aching pussy. He took a deep breath, blowing out as he sighed against my slick skin. "Then I'm gonna make it worth it for you ."

  And he did .

  Holy Christ. He did .

  His tongue was like some kind of magic, but it wasn't just what he was doing. It was they way he was doing it. With relish. Appreciation. He hummed and sang, and laughed, and encouraged me to get there, told me how hot I was, how insane I made him. How he'd been thinking about my hot little pussy and how sweet I tasted. It was the kind of thing that if someone had told me it happened to them, I would have rolled my eyes, but the onslaught of tongue, fingers and dirty, dirty words had me panting and half out of my mind until suddenly he was sliding inside of me again and I didn't even have time to feel the pain before it exploded into a mind-numbing pleasure. He'd worked me over until I was nothing more than a series of nerve endings, an ache just waiting to be sated .

  And when he moved inside of me, and when he looked down at me, lips parted, that vague look finally gone from his face, I felt like I'd thrown rocks in the pond, and disturbed the surface enough so that I could finally see what was happening underneath. And I knew I'd need more but this was the last time, and suddenly I was crying as I was coming. He gathered me into his arms, shuddering, and groaned into my ear before we both fell still .

  "Was it good?" he wanted to know as we lay back on the grass .

  There was something so sweet about rockstar Hudson Grant checking in, so sweet I was suddenly crying all over again. "I'm sorry, I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm happy. It was so good, it was insane. You're so fucking good at it, Jesus Christ ."

  He grinned that amazing grin of his and I wondered how I'd ever thought he was too much because now I wasn't sure I'd ever get enough. "Girl, I need to bottle you and carry you around for my ego," he rumbled, tracing a line up my thigh .

  I touched his chest. "I wish I could bottle you, too ,"

  We paused, letting that hang there for a moment. Then he reached over and grabbed my shirt. "You have grass in your hair ."

  All at once it came rushing back to me. I scrambled to my knees. "Shit," I hissed. "You have dirt on the knees of your jeans ."

  He looked me in the eye. "We fell," he said emphatically .

  I shook my head. It wasn't good enough. Niall would see right through the lie. "I'm ready to throw myself in the pond," I gasped .

  Hudson pressed his fingers to his lips. "That's not such a bad idea," he mused, glancing at the water .

  "You'd do that?" I gasped. "It would explain why we look like this, right ?"

  "It would." He stood up, yanking his shirt back down. And then, with a one last grin over his shoulder, he ran full tilt down the small hill. I watched in amazement as he didn't even hesitate a little. He just arced a shallow dive straight into the pond, with a mighty splash that sent a pair of ducks winging into the sky in abject terror .

  "Oh my god, Hudson!" I laughed and shrieked as he splashed in the muddy water. But even as I laughed, I was crying all the harder because it was over. It was over and he had to go and I didn't know for sure until right then, as he splashed his way across the reedy banks, that I really, really didn't want him to .

  Chapter Seventeen

  Hudson

  T he pond water looked pretty from afar. But up close, it was a foul, sulfury-smelling mix of weeds and dead fish guts. I probably smelled like something that died .

  But I didn't smell like sex anymore, so ...

  All the better .

  Tallula was crying. I didn't know what to do, but something in me understood so I didn't try to stop her. I hugged her, getting her wet in the process. And then silently gave her the hem of my shirt to wipe her tears .

  Which made her laugh. "You're wet," she complained .

  "Now you are too, though ."

  Her smile twitched and she gave me that look. The one that made me want to lay her back down in the grass. "I am," she said, with a perfectly arched brow .

  "Fuck me," I hissed .

  "You sort of just did ."

  "Sort of ?"

  She went up on her tiptoes. "You absolutely did ."

  "For the first time ."

  "And the last ."

  We both fell silent. Only the sound of a fat fish flopping in middle of the pond startled us out of our brooding. "Right," she said, perking up. "Let's get you out of those wet clothes ."

  I grinned as her mouth fell into a little o. "Hard to resist the innuendo, I know ."

  "I swear, I'm not usually like this ."

  "I'm a bad influence ."

  "I'd say so. I'm forever sullied ."

  She must have seen the way my face twitched, because she placed her hand on my arm as we trudged back up the hill to the house as slowly as we could. "I'm fine, Hudson. I wanted it. I asked for it ."

  "Begged," I corrected .

  She smacked me in the arm. "Careful," I warned her. The windows of the first floor were rising into view over the short horizon, and it may have been my overactive imagination but I thought I saw shadows milling around on the other side of them .

  The guys were waiting for me. All of them. With a start I realized we'd been gone way too long .

  Luckily, my bedraggled appearance spoke volumes. "Oy!" Ewan cried, stepping back from the door as I entered. "What in bloody fuck happened to you ?"

  "Thought it would be obvious," I grunted, moving qu
ickly away from Tallula, who had stopped short upon seeing everyone assembled .

  "You fell in the fucking pond?" Niall asked incredulously .

  "Sure did," I said, grabbing an apple from the basket in the center of the kitchen island and taking a bite. I could feel Tallula stiffening behind me and took a step over to block her from view. Give her some time to collect herself .

  Niall had a way of looking at you like he already knew all of your secrets and he was staring at me with it right now. "How on earth did you do that ?"

  But I'd been around him non-stop for a solid year of touring. I was immune to his glares. I took another bite of the apple, chewing thoughtfully. "Ever heard of noodling?" I asked him .

  Jules was still looking at me like I'd pulled down my pants and shat on the floor, but he recovered at that. "Yeah, course. Like when you fuck around on a guitar ?"

  "That's one use of the term. Other one is catching catfish with your arm ."

  Niall shook his head. "You Yankees are all out of your bloody minds ."

  I gestured with my apple. "I was trying to show Tally how it's done," I said. Tallula started nodding so fast her head was a blur .

  Luckily Niall was still stuck on me. My hair was steadily dripping onto the marble countertop. "There are no catfish in our pond, mate," he said slowly, as if explaining to a child. "It's not the bloody bayou ."

  "Found that out when I fell in," I said, which made them all laugh. Good. If they were laughing then they weren't wondering what happened in the moments before I belly flopped my way into a lie. "I'm gonna go shower off now, okay ?"

  "Van picks us up in fifteen minutes," Niall warned .

  I heard Tallula breathe out, a sigh only I could hear .

  "Right," I said, trying not to think of telling her goodbye. "Well it'll take me five. I'm not Jules with all his lotions and hair cream ."

  "Hey fuck you, August likes me groomed," Jules complained. I grinned as Ewan and Niall turned on him, giving him ready and much deserved shit for his bag full of hair products .

  I took that as my cue to leave. I walked up the stairs feeling Tallula's eyes on me the whole way up .

  As I scrubbed in the shower, it felt like I was washing her touch away. Which made me angry .

  I hated this. And I wanted her .

  But what I wanted wasn't really the issue here. Tallula wanted to keep this a secret, wanted her brother to both keep me in the band, and keep seeing her as the little kid sister and not the woman she was .

  And that was her choice. I didn't get a say in it. I wanted one, but I didn't get it .

  But what bothered me most was that now, and forever more, I'd be the asshole who blew through town and rocked her world before leaving forever. Even when leaving was the last thing I wanted to do .

  For a brief, selfish moment, I let myself hope that I'd forever ruined her for other men .

  But that wasn't fair either .

  None of this was fair .

  Chapter Eighteen

  Tallula

  I kept glancing down. From what I could tell, I was still in my same, usual body. Same wiggling toes, with the second one longer than the first. Same knobby kneecaps, same long fingers with fingernails forever smudged with charcoal. Same sharp elbows and same freckles on my forearms. My outside hadn't changed .

  But on the inside, I felt brand new .

  It wasn't just the physical sensations, the sharp twinge inside of me shouting about being touched where I'd never been touched before. It wasn't the way my lips tingled or my nipples burned from being suckled and nipped .

  Something was different about me .

  My heart kept slamming between giddiness over what had happened and sadness that it was over. I felt like I'd discovered some kind of brand new revelation, but in a dream. Not reality .

  Because the reality right now was that I was sandwiched between my mother and father as we stood shoulder to shoulder on the front porch, like drilling soldiers. The van was idling in our drive now, the driver grimly tossing case after case into the seemingly bottomless back end while the guys shouted at each other, remembering things they'd forgotten. "Here it is!" Ewan called from one of the upper stories, and I blinked and stepped back to see a boot come flying down from the heavens .

  "Cheers mate!" my brother said, snatching it up and turning to the driver. "Just toss it in with the rest of the lot, yeah ?"

  There was a distant sound of thunder that resolved itself into Ewan's footsteps as he tore back outside at a full sprint. Jules raised an eyebrow. "We weren't about to leave without you, mate," he observed. "Calm your tits ."

  "But you were definitely leaving without me, right ?"

  I was bookended by both parents, which was why I didn't turn sharply at the sound of Hudson's voice joining the mix. But I didn't need to see him to know he was there. I could feel him, and I could still feel the little ripples and quakes inside of me too .

  Heat clawed across my cheeks as he stepped into view, hair still wet from his shower but otherwise unaffected by what we'd just done. So fucking unflappable, while I felt like the press of my parents' shoulders was the only thing keeping me from falling apart .

  "Right, so we're off then, yeah?" Niall said, glancing at his brand new wife with a grin .

  "Mr. and Mrs. Penrose," Reese said warmly as she stepped forward. My father extended his hand, but she batted it aside and flung her arms around his neck. "Thank you both, from the bottom of my heart ."

  "We're so happy for you two," my mother gushed, joining in the embrace. "You take care of my Niall, now ."

  "She'll do her best," my brother laughed, coming in for a hug that squeezed the breath from my lungs. "But Tally here knows better than anyone that her brother doesn't have much by way of sense ."

  "We all look out for him, Mum," Ewan added. "But he only listens to Reese now so ..."

  "As it should be," my mother added with a little lift of her chin. "Right darling ?"

  "Your mother is right," my father said, so automatically that we all had to laugh .

  "Cheers then, Tally," Jules said, hugging me and smacking me between the shoulder blades. "Be good at uni, yeah? Make it so at least one of your mother's children ends up respectable-like ."

  "And let us know if any of those overeducated twats forgets his manners, yeah?" Ewan added, smacking me in the same place Jules had. "It's been ages since I've been in a proper fight ."

  "Right, that's my job though, yeah?" my brother corrected, glowering as he folded me into another hug .

  I stepped back before he could smack me as well. "I can bloody handle myself, boys," I reminded them all. "Don't start pissing on my leg like a bunch of dogs marking territory, now ."

  "Tallula, language," my mother whispered, almost to herself this time .

  "Sorry Mum," I said automatically. And turned to the last person standing there. The one who hadn't said anything to me yet .

  Hudson had his hands shoved in his pockets, but when I turned to him, he shrugged them back out again. I thought he might reach for me, come in for the hug that the rest of the band had given me, and hoped like hell he wouldn't slap my back too .

  But he didn't move. Instead he lifted his gaze to somewhere over my head. "Good to see you again, Tally," he said, loudly and formally, and deliberately using the name everyone else had called me. I winced. "You take care of yourself," he said .

  Then he patted me .

  He fucking patted me .

  My disbelief robbed me of my voice, so that I could only stand there gaping at him as he followed the rest of the band down the front st
airs. He patted me .

  Maybe he was trying to piss me off, I thought to myself. After all, scowling at him as he hefted his suitcase - then batted away the driver who was attempting to take it from him - was a lot easier than sobbing like my heart would break. It was actually a gift, making me angry this way. Anger hid all of the other emotions battling inside of my body .

  I watched him climb into the van with my brother and his bride. My mother made a small, sniffing sound and my father lifted his hand in a paternal salute .

  Reese settled into the seat next to Niall, and he slung his arm over her. And I was suddenly jealous of these two people whose lives meshed together so well. Reese was Niall's guitar tech, she went everywhere with him, helping him play in front of thousands of people every night. August was their band manager as well as Jules' fiancée, and created their touring schedule so the two of them could spend as much time together as possible. And Ewan had Celia, who worked for their label and so was an intimate part of their world. I knew she flew out to be with them on tour every time she could get away from her desk. They all shared a life, each of them fitting together like puzzle pieces to complete the whole picture .

  And then there was Hudson. He had no puzzle piece, as near as I could tell. And as much as I wanted it to be me, who was I to him? I wasn't his wardrobe person, or one of the drivers with the crew. I didn't understand the ins and outs of touring life. I wasn't part of his world. I was just a semi-fat university student who lived on the wrong continent from him .

  Of course he had to leave. What possible reason had I given him to stay ?

  I squeezed my eyes shut, then opened them again to watch him get in the van last, raising his big hand farewell. The driver shut the door behind him, then rounded to the front. "Goodbye boys!" my mother called. "Goodbye, Reese !"

  They pulled away. I put my hand to my mouth to stifle the sob that wanted to escape as the van rounded the circle drive ....

  Then stopped .